In this moment...

Right now, I should be sorting mail, paying bills, putting up dishes, folding laundry.  I am not doing any of those things.

Tomorrow when I realize I let each of these things pile up, I will panic and wish I had done it tonight.  Tonight, I am enjoying a calm moment.

Watching a little home remodeling show.  Scrolling through Pinterest for house ideas.  Searching on Craigslist for old or antique furniture that could be painted to use in our new home.  Crunching numbers to see how much money we have to spend on new couches.  Scrolling back through Pinterest to see what kind of couches we should by...and what color...and what color paint...oh, and, should we paint our light fixtures...it looks SO easy on Pinterest!

I want to have everything in order and ready to be done as soon as we are able to start moving in.  There are lots of things that need to be done and the more we can do before our furniture gets moved in the better.

We met with an interior designer last week.  We are hopeful that she will point us in the right direction for color selections and furniture placement.  I can't wait to meet with her again to see what plans she has developed.  She is just helping with the plan and we will take care of finding pieces to fit with that plan.

Trying to think through all of this in the midst of working, being a mommy and continuing to pack and unpack our clothes every single weekend for weekend trips is getting to me.  I have lists on top of lists on paper and in my head.

Lists at home.

Lists at work.

Weekend lists.

Grocery lists.

House idea lists.

Budget lists.

Tonight, in a moment of exhaustion, I told Chad that being a full time working mother of three is the hardest thing I have ever done.  This is without a doubt the truth.  There are moments when I don't think I can possible add one more thought, question, "to do" to my head.

The exhaustion and continued feelings of being in a complete state of transition make me snappy and often unpleasant....but, I am aware and I am working on it day by day.  I hope I am getting better. It has been a whirlwind of a ride since starting back to work.

In thinking back on the phases of my working mom life, I have realized this phase is by far the hardest....and hopefully in the end, will be the most rewarding.  

Phase 1 - Working full time, with no family help, with one kid is trying and tiring...but, it is manageable.  It seems almost like a joke now that I ever thought living with just one kid was difficult...it was a breeze!

Phase 2 - Working full time, with no family help, with two kids....when the day starts by dropping the kids off at 7:00 at daycare and rushing out of work at 4:55 because your hubby is out of town and if you don't leave right that second you will be late to get the kids and getting the kids at 5:57 and rushing from day care to the drive thru so that the kids can have something to eat while you lead bible study at church while the kids sit in the nursery until 8:00 and then getting home at 8:20 and getting the two kids to bed while the hubby is out of town and then getting up and starting all over again...while working a highly stressful job with patients who absolutely rely on you every single day...oh, and taking the dog out before heading to bed...is exhausting and stressful and some days feel like they will never end and you find yourself thinking you just.can't.do.this.one.more.day! But, you do it and it is also manageable and you feel stronger for having survived this phase of your life.

Working part-time with two kids with a husband who does not travel as much is absolutely perfect.  I gave this up so we could move back to North Carolina...I thought I could find a similar situation here but so far that has not happened.

Phase 3 - Having three kids and working full time with your husband at home to help and two sets of grandparents available to help on a day to day basis seems like it would be easier than phase 1 or phase 2....this is not the case.  I still like to think that once we are finally settled a magical potion will surround us and make life slow down and make my new generalized anxiety disorder disappear.  I also like to think that once the new doctor, who has been hired, starts working at the hospital in a few weeks life will also magically get better.  For now, those things have not happened and I am convinced that this phase of my life is by far the most difficult ever.  My job is not reasonable and that carries over to each aspect of my life...the mornings are difficult, the evenings are difficult and because of my job the day is also difficult....can you find a trend?  Difficult is the magic word.

One thing is certain.....if we were still in SC and I was attempting to work full time it would never work.  I am not being dramatic. It truly would never work.  If Chad traveled as much as he used to, this would also never work.  It is barely working now and we have all hands on deck.

I hope phase 3 is short...I hope the full time working mom with three kids can soon be changed to a part time working mom with 3 kids.  It is hard to be a pediatric nurse and take care of other children when your own children are sick and at the doctor.  It is hard to be a pediatric nurse and be yelled at because you didn't call someone back fast enough....when you are already working overtime and being pulled away from your own children.  It's difficult to miss pumping because a doctor needs you to call someone, NOW, when you know that if you don't pump your baby can't eat the next day.  It's hard to be a nurse when every single person expects way more than you can give and when your best is no longer good enough.  It is tough....working in modern medicine makes me want to run far away and change professions.  The media does a great job of hiding the truth about healthcare but the transformation in the last 10 years is AMAZING.  I have not had a single pay raise since moving to SC 7 years ago....and I make $3 less per hour back in NC....that's huge! I am expected to be a nurse, a secretary, a counselor, a miracle maker and a doormat every single day....people complain constantly...the doctors complain, the nurses complain, the patient's complain....every one complains....and the fact that I am leaving my kids at home to go work in such a pleasant environment makes me want to scream, cry, pull my hair out every single day.

So, once I get home from working in paradise and find that I need to do 1 hour worth of dinner prep, 1 hour worth of laundry, 1 hour worth of preparing for the next day, 1 hour worth of exercise...oh, and visit with my kids....and feed my baby....makes this by far the most difficult phase of my life.  Especially when I am the last person to leave the clinic every single day...

Tonight, for a few brief moments, I was able to forget all about phase 3 and somewhere along the way I felt like that mom who had plenty of time.  We had time to walk outside and check the garden, the boys picked squash, we found lots of growing cantaloupes, Sawyer played in the grass, we had a great dinner with home grown tomatoes, the boys got to bed early, I snuggled for a few extra minutes with Sawyer and I found tons of ideas on pinterest (I just don't know when I will ever find time to actually complete these things!).

For the past 11 months, I have constantly reminded myself that God has big plans for us..."For I know the plans I have for you"....he brought us back to North Carolina and each and every choice that we have made along this journey is part of his bigger plan.  Tonight, in the midst of this crazy phase, I was able to catch a few glimpses of the things that matter most....and I hope that with each passing day, phase three will become more and more like phase 1 and 2...in those difficult times I never thought I would survive but I did and now, they seem easy in comparison and without a doubt we are stronger for having been through those times.  In a year or two, I hope that I can also look back on this and see that I survived and see that God was guiding us along the way.

Without a doubt, I am more thankful for my family than I have ever been in the past...thankful for our parents who are sacrificing every single day for us and thankful for each person who has had a hand in helping us during this move back to NC, the list continues to grow and without each piece of this big puzzle our stress levels would be even greater...and I am so very thankful for a husband who jumps in and does way more than his fair share (as I hear him starting the drying right now while I am still sitting here typing away).  We are a team and he is the best player on the team by far!  In phase 3, he is a way better Mom than me (he just can't seem to master the breastfeeding part!).

I am also thankful for my sweet boys...their faces and their smiles and hugs and kisses show me that it is all worth it....their arguing and lack of listening sometimes doesn't help but, I know, this too shall pass.

Looking forward to a day where I can sit back and look back on this and remember these days fondly.  I have already learned that as a mother you should never wish the years away...and I am not...in fact, I wish I could freeze time....I think my greatest wish is just to figure out how to manage my life right now, deal with the right now and make the most of it....even the complaints at work and the kids who argue as soon as I walk through the door at home and the sudden doctors appointments for sick kids and the dirty dishes in the sink....right now, this is our phase and it's not changing any time soon so we better figure out how to embrace it! It's my prayer every night that God helps me to do just that!