For the past few months I have been warning Chad that at any time I may have a melt down.
I have been warning him that one day, out of nowhere, something is going to push me over the limit.
I'm certain that when that does happen, it will be a little thing that finally does it.
This past Sunday morning, I thought I was there......at the tipping point.
We will start back at Friday...
We traveled to Mt. Pleasant this past weekend for the first time since we sold our house and pulled away for the last time. We left late Friday afternoon and due to traffic and rain, we did not arrive until 11:00. On Saturday we had big plans to go to the beach and meet all of our friends for a big beach play date. Instead, it rained. Rain. Rain. Rain.
Instead of the beach, we planned to go to the bowling alley. The bowling alley in Mt P was booked for a private event so we headed to the newer bowling alley downtown. Downtown Charleston is a lovely place - it continually rates as one of the best places in the world to visit and vacation. Clearly the writers of those travel magazines have never traveled to Charleston in the rain.
As we drove over the bridge into downtown there was so much rain that you couldn't see the car beside of you. We made it to the bowling alley and the rain let up enough for us to get inside without getting soaked.The bowling alley was a blast. The boys had so much fun seeing their friends and to say they were excited doesn't do it justice. We have competitive boys...I never knew bowling caused so much excitement! It was great catching up with friends. Although its been months since we had seen most of them, it still felt like yesterday. Old friends are the best friends!
After the bowling alley we headed back to relax for a while at Gene and Rusty's house. The men managed the boys while Gene, Geni and I had a pedicure and did a little shopping.
At five, we headed to Anne and Seth's for Cora's 1st birthday party. We were able to see more friends and again, felt like we had never left. We ended the party at the pool before saying our goodbyes and heading back to Gene and Rusty's house.
Of all the things we did this weekend, I was MOST excited about going to church on Sunday morning. We still have not found a new church home here and every part of me needed to be at our church on Sunday morning. I was looking forward to the familiar smiles, a sermon from our pastor, a hug from a friend, nursery workers who were so excited to see the boys. There was no where I wanted to be other than MPPC.
Much to my dismay, Payton woke us up at 6:00 am complaining of a stomachache...we had three sprints to the bathroom before the rest of the house was awake. I knew that we probably weren't going to make it to church...you can't take a puking kid to church.
Once Gene woke up, she offered to give him some Zofran. He wouldn't take it.
I started getting ready for church despite the fact that I didn't think we would be going.
At 8:50, Payton was still pale and was still complaining of his stomach hurting. Sawyer was screaming - very unlike him. I had finally decided we would not be able to go to church. Once I made that decision, I lost it.....
Crying.
Mad.
Really, really mad.
In fact, I wanted to scream at God. Why in the world, after all that we have gone though in the past year, would he let Payton wake up sick and take away something I needed so badly.
I was holding Saywer, he was screaming, I was crying....Payton was looking at me, pale and pathetic. He asked why I was crying - I told him I was really sad that we couldn't go to church. He was sad too.
I cried for a few more minutes and then I realized, if we didn't go to church there were so many people we would miss. There was a great sermon we would miss. I would be SO upset for days. So, I pulled it together and re-evaluated. Payton has random vomiting spells. He didn't seem to have a fever. He hadn't been back to the bathroom in over an hour. I asked again if he would take his Zofran, he agreed to try, he got it down. He seemed a little better. He was perking up a little. He had started singing to Sawyer (which also made me cry).
If we were going to church, we needed to leave at 9:15.
At 9:08, I told Chad we had to go....I had to be there. The boys threw their clothes on. Chad was sweating by the time we were ready. I was throwing stuff together like crazy to get out the door. Red, puffy eyes and all.
We made it to church...in the rain.
Payton went to Sunday School. Owen took about 15 minutes of convincing to get him in the room. Sawyer cried as soon as I left him. More stress...more wondering if we had made the right decision.
We got into the sanctuary as soon as I sat down, I wanted to cry. Overwhelmed.
One of our associate pastors did the sermon, which was based on the story of Jesus feeding the 5,000 with 5 fish and 2 loaves of bread, and he started with something like this....he asked if any of us had ever felt like we just could not take any more. He asked if any of us knew what it felt like for everything to go wrong. He asked if we knew how we felt when everything went wrong. Angry? Mad? Confused?
He hit the nail on the head. The entire sermon felt like it was directed at me.
For weeks I have been telling Chad that I just can't do this anymore....there is no specific "this" that I am referring to...just all of it really. From the outside, I am sure that it looks like we have it all together but on the inside my entire life in still in turmoil. This is the most difficult season of my life. Being around my friends this past weekend was wonderful but it was also a huge reminder of all that has changed...those friends mean the world to me and while they will always be my friends, our daily lives are starting to look different. Starting back to work full time in the midst of everything else...in a job that is the most stressful job I can imagine...has been almost more than I can handle. We are really living day by day. So, to ask if I have ever felt like I can't take one more thing is almost funny....for months, I have thought that I can't take one more thing....but, each week there has been one more thing.
Last week was the staples. This week was the vomiting spell.
We went to church anyway and I am so glad we did. God knew exactly where we needed to be and he knew what frame of mind I needed to be in to hear, really hear, the sermon.
Basically, I have been reminded - and not so gently - that despite all that we have going on, despite what seems like my problem or someone else's problem, despite the fact that I don't think I can take on one more challenge - as a Christian, God pushes us to continue to look for ways to serve him and for ways to give more of ourselves in his image despite all the other things we have going on.
Really, my life isn't so stressful....I really shouldn't be overwhelmed. I am blessed, so very blessed.
Somehow, someway, we have to make this new life work for us....and, we have to do a little better at it. The sermon was just another bold reminder that God is with us every step of the way.
Today, as I headed into work, I had a bit of a changed attitude. I remembered to thank God for my blessings and hopefully today is a new start to moving back away from the edge....getting further from my tipping point instead of closer.
So glad I ended up exactly where I needed to be this past weekend....God never does things by accident.
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