Settled and Adjusted....my open, honest thoughts

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” 

-Philippians 4:6

Thanksgiving 2013

I wrote this blog post quickly tonight...the dishes have been washed, the boys are already asleep, Chad is snoozing in the chair and the football game was boring.  It's long and rambling....it's open and honest...as I read back through, I started to delete and edit but, this is where I am....happy and sad, anxious, yet certain, settled and un-settled.....it's a bit of a crazy life these days!  

 

Today is January 11^th, 2014.

We have been living in NC as a family for a little over 2 months.

I am not sure what I expected...not sure where I thought we would be at this stage. I can say that my friends continually ask me if we are “settled” or if we are “adjusted.” I answer yes, sometimes. Some of my friends have been given much too lengthy answers that would tell them otherwise. I thought our house would have sold by now.  I thought we would be moving forward with plans on where we will live permanently.  It has not sold, we can't move forward.  That is a major stress for now...but, we are here and starting to live our life here.  So, settled? Adjusted?

Overall, the answer is yes. We are settled and we are adjusted. We are together as a family. We are healthy (except for these runny noses and coughs). We are happy. We have a roof over our head...with heat! We have plenty to eat. Today alone, we saw all grandparents, had a big family breakfast, watched Payton's basketball game, made it to our nephew's basketball game, and tried out a new pizza place. I would say we are all doing just great.

In the same day....I saw Payton's friends playing flag football together on Facebook. I looked up times for a second church for us to visit.  I teared up when I looked at another friend's blog when I saw pictures of our old preschool and our old church. I miss our old normal.  I can't imagine the day that I will not miss it...or, the day that we will have a new "normal."  Our old normal was just great.

Our days here are also great and for the most part, I am happy. It's when I slow down that I realize we still aren't “at home.” I know we have to find our own new house, our new church and a new “group” of people to fit in with before we will truly feel at home. So....settled and adjusted, yes but I think we still have a long way to go. In fact, I wonder if we have really even started. I hope a year from now I can answer the same questions differently.

Thankfully, I grew up in the country. In Small Town, USA. Chad and I had very similar “settings” for our childhood. There are a small percentage of people in the US who actually know what the river bottoms are....a smaller percentage knew what they were when they were five. We are in that percentage. We also know what fresh cut hay smells like...and, we know what the snot that comes out of your nose when hauling hay looks like. If you don't know, you missed out! Chad did more manual hay hauling...I was just a truck driver...when I was way too young to be driving, propped up on a pillow to see. I'm hoping my boys can help haul some hay sometime soon. They need to see that good snot too!! Maybe it's gross but some of my favorite memories of my childhood involved killing hogs....and, yes, that is the truth....perhaps it's because “hog killin'” day meant that all my cousins (and some second cousins and third cousins) would gather at my grandma's house. It wasn't so much the actual hog killin' that I loved, it was the entire day....then again, pulled pork is my favorite food. The fact that we are close enough to let the boys “participate” on a hog killin' Saturday is very exciting to me. Again, not because I want them to see a big pig get killed but because I want them to experience that country living. How many people have ever killed a hog.....well, not too many. Let me know if you have any interest and you can be invited to the hog killin' too!

Talking about snot and killing hogs was never my intention....where in the world was I going????

OK.....thankfully, I grew up in the country. God's country. We are living in Chad's grandmother's house in the country right now. This “country” is actually much more “country” than the “country” where I was raised. Living here is fine. I think it's actually good for the boys to know something other than a neighborhood. I hate it's been so cold. They had enjoyed being outside more before the recent cold snap and hopefully they will be able to bundle up and get back out there soon.

So, living here is fine and I am certainly not “above” living here. It's definitely a change of pace and that is nice. I have actually enjoyed it these past few weeks. Unfortunately, I have adapted to a different sort of living...I like living in a neighborhood. I like side walks. I like having a grocery store, a Target and a St@rbucks within 5-10 minutes from my front door (...funny, because I rarely splurge for Starbucks!!). Yes, I could learn to survive in this small town but it would take some re-arranging. For example, the fact that it takes 25 minutes to get to Owen's preschool....in the midst of breastfeeding and only 9 hours total with him in school each week, 25 minutes is a lot.

I am still learning that I need to leave 30 minutes early to get there, park, get Sawyer out and get inside to get him....unless I want the teacher to tell Owen to “remember that Mommy has to drive a long way, that's why she is the last one here today!” Yes, it's a long drive...but, the baby, the dishes, the laundry, the store, the gas station stop, etc...those are the reasons I am late.

The dishes....again, I am unfortunately used to living with a dishwasher (and a garbage disposal). We have just a plain old sink for now. Multiple times each day a voice in my head reminds myself that there are people (LOTS of people) in this world who survive without these luxuries. Again, I say that it is unfortunate that I have gotten accustomed to using a dishwasher. Learning to live without these after adding a husband, 2 boys and baby bottles is life changing...we spend about an hour a day washing dishes. I am not complaining, really, I am not....just want to look back on this in a few months and laugh. One night Chad and I did the dishes together and it only took about 25 minutes....oh, and that was while KK was here to hold Sawyer...thanks KK!!

About that...adjusted....we met Sawyer's new pediatrician for the first time last week. I did love him. Plus 1 in the “good things about moving to Winston” category. Our old pediatrician was great, but as a pediatric nurse, I'm probably a wee bit too picky. The new office, new doctor and new nurses were wonderful...and, coming from me, that's saying a lot! (Imagine being a contractor and finding nothing wrong with a house someone else built, a teacher and finding no faults in your children's teachers...it's not that easy folks!).

Back to the doctor...at the doctor's office, they gave me a questionnaire to screen for postpartum depression. First, let me say, way to go! So proud that the pediatricians office is doing this screening!! There were 8 questions and if I had answered four of them completely honestly, well, lets just say I would have at least gone home with a “you need to see your doctor.” I am NOT, in any way, joking about postpartum depression...it is a real thing...and I have been worried that it could be a reality with any of my pregnancies...it's real and it happens to real people. I am thankful that I can say I do not have postpartum depression – if anything, Sawyer is the only thing that has kept me sane through all of this. After we explained our situation to the doctor...had a baby, hubby interviewed for a new job, took new job when baby was 6 days old, new job meant we had to move back to NC, hubby moved back to NC when baby was 1 month old, put house on market, house has not sold, living in grandma's house with one bathroom and no dishwasher, found new schools for older boys, oh...yes, we have three kids...a 5 year old and 3 year old, breastfeeding above mentioned baby...every three hours, looking for new house while waiting for old house to sale, throw in Thanksgiving, Christmas, two trips to Charleston, basketball season, baby with RSV and eczema....and, I had a minor wreck in my car (that was 100 % due to the fact that my brain was way too overwhelmed and I simply forgot there was a trailer in front of me..yes, forgot)....well, even the doctor laughed at my responses....we both agreed that given the circumstances, I may have lied on my little form.

Given the circumstances, he said anyone would be a little overwhelmed. Yes, overwhelmed indeed.

I did lie on the little form at the doctor's office....I am stressed more than usual, I do find myself blaming myself more than usual when things go wrong (see above mentioned wreck), find that I am more anxious than before.

Yes, yes, yes.

I am stressed. I am anxious. I do find myself blaming myself unnecessarily (like when I can't seem to get the dishes washed, or the clothes put away, or the Christmas decorations packed up).

To bring this full circle, let me re-state what I wrote when I started this babbling...

I am not sure what I expected...not sure where I thought we would be at this stage.  Are we getting adjusted?

Overall, the answer is yes. We are settled and we are adjusted. We are together as a family. We are healthy (except for these runny noses and coughs). We are happy. We have a roof over our head...with heat! We have plenty to eat. Today alone, we saw all grandparents, had a big family breakfast, watched Payton's basketball game, made it to our nephew's basketball game, and tried out a new pizza place. I enjoy time with family that I would not otherwise have. Last week I was able to spend a day shopping with my sister-in-law and niece...while my in-laws watched the wild boys. We were able to celebrate family birthdays, on time. My parents were able to come over for a few hours, just because. Schools are going great and Payton is loving his Cougar basketball team. I would say we are all doing just great.

....It's when I slow down that I realize we still aren't “at home.” I know we have to find our own new house, our new church and a new group of people to fit in with before we will truly feel at home.
So....settled and adjusted...I think we still have a long way to go. In fact, I wonder if we have really even started. I hope a year from now I can answer these same questions differently.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Philippians 4:6